Parenting Articles

August 9, 2011
Helping Children With Transitions

By Erin McNew, MSW Jewish Family Service Parenting Educator

As fall approaches, change is in the air and transitions are ahead. Changes in schedules CAN be fun for the whole family when we embrace the process, plan wisely and are empathetic to the feelings and reactions of our children. A transition is defined as “a process in which something undergoes a change and passes from one stage or activity to another.” Transitions in the lives of children include the momentous (such as a new sibling), the routine-altering (such as starting school), and the daily (such as leaving the toy store).

Transition, by its very nature, always involves some period of adjustment. Adjustment is stressful, even when it’s for the best! As parents, we can take steps to smooth the transition to a new school year, as well as to provide support during all transitions. In preparing for transitions, consider the following:

1. How old is your child, and what is typical development and behavior for that age? (remember to adjust your expectations accordingly)

2. How are you feeling about the transition: for example, are you excited, anxious or apprehensive? (your energy will affect your child’s reactions)

3. What is your child’s temperament like? Children are unique individuals and vary considerably in the ways they react to transition and stress. How might his or her personal traits affect this transition?

4. How has your child responded to other transitions? How did you prepare? What made your child feel comfortable and uncomfortable?

When preparing for a new school year, plan ahead and communicate:

• Develop routines that you’ll follow when school starts. For example, at bedtime, lay out the next day’s clothes.
• Talk to your child about what will happen. For example, you might tell a three-year-old: “I’ll walk you to your classroom and you’ll put your backpack in your cubby.” And, “when school is over, Grandma will pick you up and you’ll come home and have lunch.”
• Develop a quick, fun ritual that you and your child can share when you separate. For example: “We’ll have a big hug, two kisses, and rub noses.” Then, practice your goodbye the way you’ll do it at school!
• Make sure your morning routine will leave enough time so you don’t have to rush.
• Read books with your child about the transition:

The Kissing Hand, by Audrey Penn offers ways for families to say goodbye to their child and stay connected while apart.

I Am Absolutely Too Small For School, by Lauren Child, provides ways to give reassurance to a child who is worried about their first day of school.

Sam and Gram and The First Day of School, by Dianne Blomberg, tells the story of Sam, who feels lonely and scared during his first day of school, but when it’s over eagerly tells his grandmother all about it.

Leap Back Home to Me, by Lauren Thompson, features a young frog who enjoys his adventures away from mom, as well as finding that she’s always there when he returns.

and PJ Library book, Sammy Spider’s First Day of School, by Sylvia A. Rouss.

• Ask your child about his or her thoughts and feelings: What might be the best parts of the change? What might be the hardest?
• Listen while your child voices fears or concerns. Acknowledge the feelings, then work together to brainstorm possible solutions.
• Honor the transition with a special event, such as shopping for a new backpack or having a special back-to-school dinner the evening before school starts.
• Remember: all children, no matter what their age, need time, support and love as they adjust to changes.

May 31, 2011
10 Ways To Talk So That Children Will Listen

by Erin McNew, Jewish Family Service Parenting Educator

1. Connect before you direct: get your child’s attention by getting in front of him, at his level. Make eye contact, say his name and put a gentle hand on his shoulder. This is to ensure he is listening to you, and not distracted by other things!

2. Keep it short and simple: whether you are correcting behavior (“you must walk in the store -- running is not allowed”) or giving instructions (“now it’s time to brush your teeth”).

3. Have your child repeat the request back to you.

4. Be positive: tell kids what they can do, instead of what they can’t (“use your regular voice inside -- shouting is for outside”).

5. Use age-appropriate language: younger children need simpler instructions.

6. Use the “when … then” technique: “when you have brushed your teeth, then we can read a story.”

7. Give choices: “would you like to wear the red pajamas or the blue ones tonight?”

8. Repeat yourself. All children need gentle reminders when they’re learning a new rule.

9. Speak to your child the way you like to be spoken to: children who know they are liked and respected tend to be more cooperative.

10. Be encouraging: look for opportunities to “catch your child being good” and tell her what you notice. Children are much more likely to listen if they often like what they hear!